Talking with Your Children about Cancer

Turning Fear Into Understanding, One Conversation at a Time

This past February, I had the opportunity to speak at an event hosted by the American Cancer Society, where I shared our family’s cancer journey. After my talk, a few people quietly pulled me aside, not to talk about treatments or statistics, but to ask something far more personal: how did we explain it to our children? It was a question that brought me right back to some of the hardest conversations my late husband and I ever had.

During this same gathering, a woman shared that she’d just been diagnosed with early-stage cancer. She hadn’t told her children, both in their early twenties, because she didn’t want to burden them with worry. She asked me if I believed she should tell them. Another person gently asked if we had ever struggled to be open with our children about the realities we were facing.

The truth is, we did struggle. Over the course of ten years of intense treatments, I was told not once, but three separate times, to prepare my children because their father, my husband, wasn’t expected to survive. Each of those times, our children were still so young, between the ages of six and seventeen. Far too young to be hearing that their dad might die. Time and again, we grappled with the same impossible question: how do we protect our children’s emotional-well being without keeping them in the dark?

Talking with your children about cancer, whether it's your own diagnosis or that of a loved one, is one of the most emotionally challenging conversations a parent can face. It’s a moment that forces us to balance our protective instincts with our children’s need for truth and emotional security.

For parents, the instinct to shield children from pain is strong. We worry about saying the wrong thing, burdening them too early, or opening the door to fears we can’t fully ease. It’s tempting to delay the conversation or to soften the truth in ways that may seem gentler, but this approach can often create confusion or mistrust down the road.

For children, uncertainty can be more frightening than the truth. Kids are perceptive; they notice changes in routines, overhear snippets of conversation, or pick up on emotional tension. When they’re left to fill in the blanks themselves, they may imagine scenarios that are far scarier than reality. Even young adults may feel disoriented and excluded when they sense something is wrong but aren't given clear information.

This is why honesty, trust, and emotional support are so crucial. Being open at a level appropriate to your child’s age and maturity not only helps them make sense of what’s happening, it also strengthens the family bond. It reassures them that they are not alone in this, that they’re part of a team, and that you believe they are strong enough to face the truth with you.

Early in my husband’s cancer journey, we promised each other that we would always be honest with our children. At the time, we had no idea how long or difficult the road ahead would be, but we knew it could be rough and we wanted to build that journey on trust with our children from the very beginning. To this day, I believe it was one of the best parenting decisions we made. Our commitment to honesty became especially meaningful when I was later diagnosed with cancer. Our youngest, just 16 at the time, and still grieving the loss of his father to cancer, didn’t question whether I was telling him the truth. He knew because of the foundation we’d built through his father’s cancer experience that he could trust me when I shared information about my own diagnosis, treatment plan, and prognosis. That trust became an anchor for both of us in an otherwise overwhelming time.

Timing and Setting the Conversation

I think timing and setting matter just as much as the words you choose. It’s important to find a quiet, private moment when you won’t be interrupted or rushed. Make it somewhere your child feels safe and comfortable. Avoiding prolonged secrecy is also key; children often sense when something is wrong, and overhearing partial conversations or adult whispers can lead to anxiety and mistrust. By being intentional about when and where the conversation happens, you create space for honest dialogue, emotional safety, and the opportunity for your child to ask questions and process what they’re hearing in a supportive atmosphere.

What to Say and What Not to Say

It’s also important to use the actual word “cancer” rather than vague or confusing euphemisms like “a bad bug” or “a illness,” which can lead to misunderstanding or unnecessary fear. Reassure children clearly that they are not to blame because they sometimes will internalize events and may wonder if something they did or said caused the cancer. Be honest, but also gentle. My late husband and I avoided making promises we couldn’t keep or offering false hope. We would try to strike a balance by being truthful about what was happening while also expressing our hope in their father’s treatment, the support of his doctors, and our love for our kids. I believe this approach helped our children feel secure, informed, and included, without being overwhelmed.

Keeping the Conversation Going

One of the most important things to remember after the initial conversation is that it shouldn’t be the last. Keeping the lines of communication open helps children feel emotionally safe and included as the situation evolves. When a parent is diagnosed with cancer, the road ahead is often long and emotionally complex for the entire family. Encourage children to ask questions, whenever they have them, and let them know it’s okay to revisit the topic as often as they need. Regularly check in to see how they’re feeling and clarify any misunderstandings they might have picked up from friends or their own imagination. As treatments progress or new developments arise, offer age-appropriate updates to help them stay informed and reassured. This ongoing dialogue not only builds trust, but also allows your child to process their emotions in real time, with your support beside them every step of the way.

Involving Children in Age-Appropriate Ways

Involving your child in age-appropriate ways can help them feel more connected and less powerless during a time that can feel uncertain and overwhelming. For some children, having small responsibilities like bringing a glass of water or helping with dinner can give them a sense of contribution. For older children and young adults, being given the opportunity to take on more responsibility can be a powerful way to process the experience and feel actively involved.

Our eldest daughter, for instance, chose to help her father with his wound care after multiple leg bone surgeries. Assisting him with dressing changes gave her a sense of purpose and closeness with him during a time when it was easy to feel helpless. Because he was a physician, he guided her through the process with both care and intention, turning the experience into a moment of connection and learning. Those experiences left a lasting impression on her and ultimately played a meaningful role in her decision to pursue a career in the healthcare field.

What I’ve Found Matters Most

Trust your instincts. You know your children and their needs, their strengths, their sensitivities better than anyone.

In the end, talking with your children about cancer is not about having the perfect words. It’s not about saying everything “right” or having all the answers. These conversations are difficult, but they are also an opportunity to build deeper trust and remind your children that they are not alone.

No family chooses this path, but we discovered an incredible well of resilience along the way. With open communication and compassion, families can navigate even the hardest moments together and come out stronger, more connected, and hopeful.

Resources

Following are resources (with links to the website) to help parents and caregivers talk with their children about cancer.

Helping Children When a Family Member Has Cancer by the American Cancer Society offers practical tips by age group, emotional support strategies, how to answer difficult questions, and downloadable guides.

Helping Children Understand Cancer by Cancer Care offers free counseling, age-specific advice, and downloadable booklets to help children understand a parent’s or sibling’s illness.

When Your Parent has Cancer: A Guide for Teens from the National Cancer Institute (NCI) is a comprehensive resource designed to support adolescents navigating the challenges of a parent's cancer diagnosis. It was developed with input from teens who have faced similar situations.

Brightspotnetwork.org provides resources for families facing cancer with children under age 10; includes storybooks, toolkits, and family support services.